I am also a criminal.

Mrs. N. Mapisa-Nqakula
Minister of Home Affairs
Parliament of South Africa
Cape Town
10 January 2008

Dear Madam,

I feel that it is my patriotic duty to bring certain facts to your attention. It is estimated that we have in excess of 4 million illegal aliens in South Africa. One of these was my trusty gardener, Joshua. In a routine “bag-search”, the local SAPD discovered that he had no visa or work permit and took him into custody. The Home Affairs department was advised and they fetched him from the holding cells yesterday.

Ones natural reaction in a situation like this is to lay low and stay out of the situation, as it is, after all, a criminal offence to employ an illegal alien. However, in all fairness to a man who has worked at my side for some time now, I took it upon myself to make myself known, and see if there was anything that could legally be done to formalise his stay in our fair country.

I met with two very professional members from your department as well as two senior members of the local SAPD and made my enquiries in the presence of Joshua, and a fellow accused, to whom he was handcuffed.

I was then subjected to a lecture on patriotism and economic sabotage by the junior of the two Home Affairs officials. I was accused of lacking the former, and actively pursuing the latter.

Some valid points were made, and I must compliment you on your honest and knowledgeable staff who obviously know their jobs well, and seem to really enjoy them.

I do however have some questions for you.

  • Did your ancestors, as well as mine, not also come to this country to make a better life?
  • Do you have any idea why it is a far more pleasant and enjoyable experience to employ immigrants rather than the locals?
  • Do you realise that by employing an illegal alien, I am actually not depriving a local of a job, as I wouldn’t have employed one anyway, due to their surly and spoilt attitude and their productivity of about a third of an illegal.
  • Did you know, that far from employing an illegal to pay him less, and generally take advantage of his vulnerability, I in fact paid him far more, because he was worth it?
  • Has it not occurred to you that our unemployment problem, and in fact the illegal alien problem would probably be solved, if we scrapped our ridiculous labour laws and our workforce realised that it’s time to start working for a living?

I know that the laws preclude Joshua from applying to re-enter the country for 5 years because he “jumped the fence”, and I also know that we don’t really have a shortage of gardeners in this country, so his skills are not in short supply. But where I beg to differ, is that his definition of a gardener and yours are miles apart, and if we use his, then we do in fact have a chronic shortage of the hard-working, friendly, honest, thankful, reliable and uncomplaining type that he was.

Yours in disgust.



One thought on “I am also a criminal.”

  1. Snappedmyman here’s what you do. Just tell Joshua to get a free lift home to Malawi for some well earned leave and then come back again.If the cops pick him up again tell him to let them know there is R100 waiting for them at your place. Problem solved.You can deduct it off his wages. This also teaches Josh to get street wise and not get caught.You must start thinking like the majority of SA if you going to stay there.You say you are also a criminal. Big deal. So now you qualify to be a member of parliament.What a terrible thought.

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