Welcome aboard Nationwide Flight 723

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard Nationwide Airlines Flight 723, a Boeing 737-200, bound for Johannesburg.

The flying time is approximately 1 hour and 40 minutes.

Please take some time to read the safety instructions on the pamphlet in your tray compartment.

In the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically fall from the cabin ceiling. Pull firmly to start the oxygen flowing and cover your nose and mouth, breathing normally.

Kindly note that in terms of Civil Aviation rules this is a non-smoking flight. The toilets have been equipped with smoke detectors and severe penalties will be levied on smokers.

In the event of an emergency landing kindly brace yourselves and lower your heads to the seat in front of you.

In the event of an emergency landing, kindly proceed to the nearest emergency exits now being indicated to you and leave the aircraft as quickly and calmly as possible.

In the event of a landing in water, life vest can be found under your seat. Kindly put this over your head and tie firmly at the back. Do not inflate until you have left the aircraft. A whistle can be found in a pocket to attract rescuers.

Oh, and one more thing. I have just received a message from the Captain…….HOLY SHIT, stay calm everyone…………apparently we have just lost an engine………no not really lost it, it’s just not attached to the aircraft anymore…….just stay calm……Oh my God, we’re all going to die………….no really stay calm. DO NOT LOOK OUT OF THE RIGHT HAND WINDOWS.

OK, brace yourselves for an emergency landing. HOW? What do you mean HOW? I’ve just told you, don’t you listen.

SIR, SIR, please stop talking on your cell phone. NO, you can’t have a drink, for God’s sake brace yourself.

NO, that is not smoke, it is just normal condensation. Yes I know we appear to be at a slight angle, that is quite normal. PLEASE EVERYONE, STOP SCREAMING !!

OK, breathe normally. BREAKFAST WILL NOT BE SERVED. Are you mad you moron, we have an emergency. NO, you cannot smoke you idiot. Yes, I know we might die. I DO NOT CARE, that is aviation fuel spewing onto your window. NO YOU CANNOT HAVE OXYGEN.





2 Responses

  1. I don’t get it!

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