Fans of Harry Potter, please DO NOT READ, as this post will spoil everything for you.
All will be revealed in the early hours of Saturday morning, as the much-hyped ABF (Absolutely Bloody Final) episode of Harry Potter hits the bookshelves, and JK Rowling banks another gazillion pounds.
Seeing that she’s obviously bored with young Harry, and apparently kills him off in this episode, I’ve decided to adopt the character out of pity, and start writing my own book, where Harry Potter gets re-incarnated as Harry Gumede in a poor rural village of the Eastern Cape (formerly Transkei).
The rough outline of my book is as follows;
- Harry Gumede herds goats as a youngster, regularly teaching them to fly like birds, until he is severely punished by his father when the spell wears off, and they fall from their roosts in the trees.
- He decides to become a sangoma, but after an unfortunate incident at initiation school where his “wedding-tackle” gets badly “abbreviated” by an intoxicated elder, he settles for a career in business.
- To this end, he leaves school at 16, and starts selling coat hangers at a street corner in East London.
- His magical talents come to the fore at night however, when he joins a gang of car thieves who make BMW’s and Mercs “disappear”, to magically re-appear in Mozambique and Zimbabwe.
- Young Harry is approached by a crooked White businessman, to front his company in a BEE swindle and moves to Jozie, where he signs up massive deals for his new partner.
- Greed and materialism claim him, and Harry Gumede, the Black Diamond, rules the business world.
- One night a sangoma visits him with a message from his “ancestors” and he embarks on a life-altering journey into Africa with the sangoma and his pet goat, FW.
At this stage I kill off all three characters in a food riot in Harare, but Harry miraculously re-emerges as a Presidential candidate in the second episode, titled, “Harry Gumede and the goblet of Johnny Walker Black”
So, so, what do you think? JK Rowling, eat your heart out (no please, not actually.)