Paris Hilton Jail Horror

Unconfirmed reports of inhumane and cruel treatment of hotel heiress, Paris Hilton, have been received from our source at the Lynwood Correctional Centre, where she is being held.


We referred the reports to one of her numerous spokesmen, who at first refused to comment, and then issued the following short statement, and I quote;

If this report is to be believed, then be assured that the perpetrators of these vile acts will be brought before the courts to answer numerous charges in terms of the Prisons Act.

Ms Hilton, is apparently in a tearful, but stable condition after her ordeal at the hands of a prison orderly on Thursday evening. A fellow inmate, who wished to remain anonymous, talks us through the events that led to the incident;

Ms Hilton had just returned to her cell at about 5PM. I think she had been for a massage or something. She sat cross-legged on her bunk and was fiddling on her Blackberry and clutching a teddy bear, when the orderly came to her cell. I heard raised voices, well actually one voice, Ms Hilton’s. She was shouting and crying and I felt powerless in my cell. She kept on saying, “You can’t do this to me, you can’t.” It was terrible. After a few minutes, the orderly stormed out of her cell. The sobbing from the cell went on for a while, and I asked her what had happened, but it just started her crying again. She calmed down after about an hour, and when I asked her again she told me, “I asked for Perrier and what do they give me? Polar. This is a disgrace. No-one should be treated like this.


Remember, you heard it first at Synaptoman.


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