Why do you hate Luke Walton?


Come in Mr White, have a seat.

Thank you Mr President, but please, call me Jake.”

OK Jake, thanks for coming to this meeting, I know it has caused you some problems with SARU.

Yes Mr President, actually they ordered me not to attend this meeting.

They did, did they?  Well let’s just put out a press release that our meeting has been postponed.  That’ll help you, won’t it?

Thank you Mr President. Well,  what is it you need to discuss with me?

Jake, I’ll get straight to the point – WHY DO YOU HATE LUKE WALTON?

Errh, Watson sir, and no, I don’t hate him.”

Is it anything to do with his father, Grumpy?

Actually his fathers Cheeky sir, and no, it has nothing to do with him. My selection for my squad has always been based on merit.

WHAT, that’s treasonous. What about our transformation quotas, aghh, targets? And I don’t care how cheeky his father is, that’s no reason to hate the boy.”

Sir, Luke is a great player, it’s just that I think he’s a bit small.”

Small? He’s big for s scrumhalf.

Sir, Luke is actually a flank.

Whatever. What’s this nonsense about Benni McCarthy not wanting to play for the National side?

Sir, Benni’s a soccer player, I’m the rugby coach.

Jake, you’ve got to see the bigger picture. There are dark forces at work. There are elements out there trying to unseat me, and I think they are working through SARU.”

But sir, I know very little about politics, but aren’t you supposed to be stepping down after your two terms in office?

Yes Jake, as President of South Africa, but I am still eligible for leadership of the ANC.

Mr President, could we stick to rugby, I’m really not qualified to comment on political issues.

OK Jake, let’s do that. Why are there so few black players in your team?

Mr President, I’m sympathetic to our transformation goals, but I’m a coach, I’m paid to win tournaments.

OK, that’s a good answer Jake, but how about this idea. I give you a massive budget, you scour the world for the best black players you can find. Then I give them citizenship. Then you select them for your team. Everybody’s happy. What do you think?

Mr President, It’s not as easy as that. It’s not just about black faces. It’s about using our black faces.

So, why don’t you use them?

They seem to like soccer more. We really battle to attract them.

How about KFC and King Pie?

Sir, I’m not quite with you?

They also like KFC and King Pie. Why don’t you get them to sponsor rugby in this country. Then you’d get plenty of interest.

Sir, I’m the coach, I have no say in sponsorships.”

Oh well, looks like our time is up. Thanks for coming to see me and good luck against Austria tomorrow.

It’s a pleasure sir, and its ahh… Australia.

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